Down again.... but fighting !!

I curse myself for allowing it to happen... but once again I'm feeling the claws of depression closing in on my throat and my soul.  I allowed medication for a short while believing that the initial cause of the accursed affliction was post-partum depression run amok.  My doctor agreed, so we began the treatment. 
Along with the medication I self-treated with a series of books on positivity, success and the law of attraction.  My favorites being anything written by Napoleon Hill or the Napoleon Hill foundation after his death.  Fascinating and uplifting stuff!!! 
During the time I was reading the books and listening to the audiobooks and watching TV specials and just immersing myself in this ideal - I felt GREAT!!  I was sticking to an excellent eating and exercise regemin and seeing results.  I was seeing happiness and harmony at home and I was getting rave reviews at work and setting myself up for major upward movement. 
....
So I finished all the books and they had to be returned to the library. 
....
And I was still feeling good.
....
I went to my doctor and said life is good and I no longer need these drugs to sustain my mental health.  She disagreed.  She told me that depression is a life-long disease and its not physically possible to make more of the chemical that my brain is missing without medical help.  I was furious and determined to prove her wrong. 
....
And here we are roughly 2 months later and I've been proven wrong instead. 
I'm right back where I started.  Except I can honestly say I'm not depressed... I'm not sad... I'm not low and upset.  I don't feel depressed. 
I am however angry and frustrated ALL THE TIME.  EVERYTHING gets on my nerves - EV-ERY-TH-ING !!!  I even get on my own nerves.  AND I CAN'T MAKE IT STOP!!!
I do NOT want to go back on drugs!!! 
I've re-read my notes on positivity (yes, I took notes while reading and listening to those books)  I've looked up the books I've read and requested them from the library again...
but I can't spend my life reading and listening to the same books over and over again without a break. 
....
So I'm left with a question.... what the fuck is wrong with me??? 
Why can't I just be happy and content and calm and just let things be?  Why can't I organize my thoughts and be a normal fucking person without the aid of books and drugs ?????
....
and while I'm at it... why don't people like me??????????????? 
....
*sigh*
I see myself headed back down a very dark road with no alleys or shortcuts for escape and I don't like it. 
Its decision time...... 
I have made a decision. 
I have decided to take control of my own mind and emotions. 
I control how I feel and what I think and how I act. 
I will not allow things to annoy me. 
I will not allow things to anger me. 
I will keep calm and be happy. 
I will never again yell at my children.
I will be a success at every point in my life. 
I will embody logic.
I will embody grace.
I am a success :)