Down again.... but fighting !!

I curse myself for allowing it to happen... but once again I'm feeling the claws of depression closing in on my throat and my soul.  I allowed medication for a short while believing that the initial cause of the accursed affliction was post-partum depression run amok.  My doctor agreed, so we began the treatment. 
Along with the medication I self-treated with a series of books on positivity, success and the law of attraction.  My favorites being anything written by Napoleon Hill or the Napoleon Hill foundation after his death.  Fascinating and uplifting stuff!!! 
During the time I was reading the books and listening to the audiobooks and watching TV specials and just immersing myself in this ideal - I felt GREAT!!  I was sticking to an excellent eating and exercise regemin and seeing results.  I was seeing happiness and harmony at home and I was getting rave reviews at work and setting myself up for major upward movement. 
....
So I finished all the books and they had to be returned to the library. 
....
And I was still feeling good.
....
I went to my doctor and said life is good and I no longer need these drugs to sustain my mental health.  She disagreed.  She told me that depression is a life-long disease and its not physically possible to make more of the chemical that my brain is missing without medical help.  I was furious and determined to prove her wrong. 
....
And here we are roughly 2 months later and I've been proven wrong instead. 
I'm right back where I started.  Except I can honestly say I'm not depressed... I'm not sad... I'm not low and upset.  I don't feel depressed. 
I am however angry and frustrated ALL THE TIME.  EVERYTHING gets on my nerves - EV-ERY-TH-ING !!!  I even get on my own nerves.  AND I CAN'T MAKE IT STOP!!!
I do NOT want to go back on drugs!!! 
I've re-read my notes on positivity (yes, I took notes while reading and listening to those books)  I've looked up the books I've read and requested them from the library again...
but I can't spend my life reading and listening to the same books over and over again without a break. 
....
So I'm left with a question.... what the fuck is wrong with me??? 
Why can't I just be happy and content and calm and just let things be?  Why can't I organize my thoughts and be a normal fucking person without the aid of books and drugs ?????
....
and while I'm at it... why don't people like me??????????????? 
....
*sigh*
I see myself headed back down a very dark road with no alleys or shortcuts for escape and I don't like it. 
Its decision time...... 
I have made a decision. 
I have decided to take control of my own mind and emotions. 
I control how I feel and what I think and how I act. 
I will not allow things to annoy me. 
I will not allow things to anger me. 
I will keep calm and be happy. 
I will never again yell at my children.
I will be a success at every point in my life. 
I will embody logic.
I will embody grace.
I am a success :)

Do Great Things

I'm not going to do great things in my life. 

I AM doing great things in my life. 

I am visualizing my future - sending out positive vibrations into the future as an offering and waiting for the echo vibrations to return to me. 

The law of attraction is working well for me!!! 

I only just recently began actively seeking this type of information and reading these books... but the more I learn, I think back on events in my life and realize that I've already used all of the techniques I'm reading about to achieve my goals!!!! 

My only limitation in the past has been my own imagination. 
(Well... and depression... that shit will kick you square in the head)

But now I'm doing great things. 

I am so happy and grateful that I weigh 140 pounds and am healthy and energized every day!!

I am enjoying every single day in this new position at work that was created just for me and my own unique skillset!  I'm making over $100K now!!

I am so thrilled and grateful to be lying here on this gorgeous beach with my husband watching our children play in the sand!

I am so happy and grateful to be living in my gorgeous house!  The cedar trees in the back yard smell amazing! I've got 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a pool, a garage, a fenced yard and A LIBRARY!!!

I'm so proud and grateful to have skyrocketed our girl scout troop to be the #1 most popular and successful and distinguised troop in the entire council!  We've been on every television station in the viewing area and are being interviewed by the New York Times next week! 

I am so happy and proud and thrilled and grateful that my book is now on the New York Times best seller list for this year!!! 

I LOVE LOVE LOVE driving my brand spanking new Cadillac Escalade Hybrid!!!!  ITS PURPLE!!!

I'm honored beyond belief to have so many famous and influential people on my list of personal contacts!  I've helped them and they've helped me in return! 

Things are going great on the City Council planning board!  I'm so proud of all the projects I've helped along that are reaping huge benefits for the city!!

The kids and I are having more fun that I can even say watching Daddy being fitted for his personalized Mickey Mouse ears here in Disneyworld!!  (We're off to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter next!)


There they are!!!  My intentioal goals written in present-tense.  I'm achieving these goals of mine because I am visualizing them as current reality.  My energy is totally focused on these realistic goals and because energy attracts like energy, the universe will send me the tools I need to achieve what I want! 

Weirdness....

Sometimes I wish my boobs were detachable. 
I wouldn't have to deal with bras - EVER. 
I could just give them to my husband to play with... then reattach them when needed. 
A weird wish, I know...but when you've carried around double Ds for years and nursed two babies - you kinda get sick of 'em. 

Venting my Frustration

My apologies to anyone who might actually read this.  I am frustrated.  I must vent.  And I refuse to burden anyone in my real life with such petty bullshit. 
I work at an insurance company.
A member of my team at work had a question on a policy regarding the rating and discounts on a vehicle. 
I knew the answer to the question.  I have a VA state P&C license - which shows I'm legally allowed to answer such questions to the public. 
But in other respects, it also shows that I know WTF I'm saying. 
Our trainer sits in the cubicle on the other side of the wall from me. 
So while I'm asking supplemental questions to the teammate and subsequently giving the correct answer, the trainer is going through online manual after online manual and instant messaging cohorts in order to find the answer.  It took her 12 minutes to find the exact answer I was able to give immediately. 

SUMUP:
The trainer didn't know the answer to the fracking question. 
I knew the answer off the top of my head. 
Isn't this the type of thing a trainer ought to know?

And yet here I am... still in my lower function. 
Unable to give answers even though I know what I'm saying.
Still making lowly money. Still with lowly status.

Meanwhile, our trainer  (a person who I had to correct on multiple occasions during our training class a few months ago and clearly doesn't know the answers to even the simplest questions) is sitting 2 tiers above me making much more money than I am and just that much higher up the career ladder.

W. T. F. ???????

*sigh*
I need to breathe and relax.
I've only been back in this company for 7 months.
(side note: I worked here previously for 5 1/2 years and left to be a SAHM, then to pursue other avenues... after just over 3 years - I'm back)  
I have not yet "technically" even reached my 1 year anniversary.  Having been gone for longer than 12 months, I have completely lost my previous tenure.  So I must start from scratch all over again. 
Its frustrating. 
Its maddening. 
But it is what it is. 
I must bide my time. 
I must keep my head down. 
I must keep my mouth shut. 
I must do my work. 
I must do my work properly. 
I must do my work well. 
I must show what I know and keep records of all the times I've had to correct the trainer. 
I will be successful. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's date: Monday, February 25, 2013
Today's Outfit: jeans and a button down black shirt with 3/4 length sleeves.  Nothing fancy.  Nothing notable.  But very very comfy :)
Today's mood: Overall, very positive.  I got my annual merit increase.  My oldest jiblet won her classroom spelling bee.  And its date night after work!! 
Quote of the Day: "Let it Be"
Currently reading: "What Got You Here Won't Get You There" by Marshall Goldsmith (audiobook)